Nobody Jokes / Recent Jokes

Leave me alone, get out of my hair, nobody likes lice!!!

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, nobody pays attention to me¦"
And the doctor says, "Next please..."

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The more...

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, “Who push port-a-potty over cliff? ”
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, “Who push port-a-potty over cliff? ”
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, “I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. ” So the Indian asked again,
“Who push port-a-potty over cliff? ”
To which the littlest Indian replied, “I push port-a-potty over cliff. ”
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, “Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father? ”
The old Indian replied, “Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!! ”

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flue!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

The average suth'ner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

The average suth'ner knows pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

The average suth'ner knows what general direction "cattywumpus" is.

The average suth'ner knows that "gimme sugar"don't mean pass the sugar.

The average suth'ner knows when somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The average suth'ner knows how good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

The average suth'ner knows what, "Well, I Suwannee!" means.

The average suth'ner knows ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!

The average suth'ner knows a good dog is worth its weight in gold.

The average suth'ner knows real gravy don't come from a store.

The average suth'ner knows when "by and by" is.

The average suth'ner knows how to more...