North Jokes / Recent Jokes

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining is due to the North Pole`s loss of dominance of this season`s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa`s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO`s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard Business
School--is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph`s role will not be disturbed. more...

President Bush: If I knew there really was not any nuclear weapons in North Korea, and we could kick their ass and if they had something that would have made me and my friends very, very, rich like diamonds, oil, gold I would send the troops in like we were saving the world from Evil. But, since North Korea has a real nuke, and the leader is really evil and crazy and a real threat to the world. Screw it. We are not going.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR more...

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America. Little Johnny: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Little Johnny!

This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married.

He and his new bride prepared for their wedding night. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their lovemaking. She finally announced she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace he admired so much.

She replied she did indeed have it, but wondered what in the world he needed it for at a time like this.

He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."

Dumb North Carolina laws and humor, relating to many aspects of the state, its weather, and its people.

North Carolina Crazy Law All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.

Three traveling salesmen happened to meet in a bar in New Jersey. One of the men was from Tennessee, one was from North Carolina and one was from Kentucky. They got acquainted and started talking about problems with their wives.
The guy from Tennessee began by saying, "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on, she will have to do all of the cooking, and I want dinner on the table when I walk in the door. Well, the first day, nothing, the second day, still nothing. But on the third day, a wonderful dinner was prepared, with wine and even dessert."
Then the man from North Carolina spoke up, "I sat down my wife down and told her that from now on, she will have to do all of the shopping and I want the house spotless when I get home. The first day, the house was a mess, the second day, no change. But! on the third day, the whole house was spotless from top to bottom, and the pantry was full of groceries."
The fellow from Kentucky, was married more...