Notes Jokes / Recent Jokes
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business, ” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya! ”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya! ”
Appearance: You are more...
A police constable arrested some people printing fake currency notes and asked for instructions about what to do with them.' Send notes to headquarters/ came the reply.
No notes were received. So a reminder was sent to the constable.
He sent back the explanation,' Notes forwarded by postal money order.'
Two old women were talking and exchanging personal notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband all excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought this sounded like a wonderful idea, so that night when her husband went into the bathroom to ready himself for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
Being arthritic, she found it kind of tough to get the first leg in place, but finally, she succeeded. She found it even tougher to do it with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she managed to get it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little bit too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and ended up with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Hazel!" he exclaimed. more...
'Twas the Night Before Finals
and all through the college,
the students were all praying,
for that last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
but none touched their beds.
While visions of essays,
danced in their heads.
Out in the Taverns,
a few were still drinking.
And hoping that liquor
would loosen their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing.
And dreading exams
that I would be facing.
My roomate was speechless,
His nose in the books.
And my comments to him,
drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot.
No longer caring,
that my nerves were all shot.
I stared at my notes,
but my thoughts were all muddy.
My eyes were a blur,
And I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help",
I said with a shiver.
But each place I called,
refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
that life more...
*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ***
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots more...
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.