Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes

The asylum decided it would be good for the inmates to learn to work together. Thus they organized a baseball team, the star player of which was "Nuts" McGuirk. Unfortunately, though Nuts could slam the ball a mile and field like a demon, he had to be told what to do every step of the way. Thus, whenever Nuts had to play, the coach was always nearby.
The day of the first game arrived, and a large crowd gathered at a local stadium to see the lunatics play the doctors.
After nine innings it was a tie game. The inmates had the bases loaded, and there were two outs. Luckily, it was Nuts' turn to bat. The coach quietly whispered to him, "Up, Nuts!" and Nuts left the bench. "Bat, Nuts," he said, and the player went to the plate.
Alas, just then a vendor nearby shouted, "Peanuts!"

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,' PEANUTS!'"

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts! ” and the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts! ” and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts! ” and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well… everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS! ’”

Ingredients:

1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 cup nuts
1 cup butter
1 BOTTLE WHISKEY

Procedure:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Get out a large bowl. Check the whiskey again--to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in the large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in one cup of fried druit.

Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in the beatererers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt or something??? Who cares? Check the whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Sugar or something. more...