Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. What do beer nuts and deer nuts have in common?
A. They are both under a buck.

This is a true story, not a UL. Honest.
Years back, when my son was about 18 months old, I, my wife, and the kid
would go out for a hot fudge sundae every week, and split it three ways.
On one occasion, after I placed the order, the nubile young lady in the
local Baskin Robbins asked (with a bright smile that could have been
coquettish or merely polite) "Would you like your nuts wet or dry, Sir?"
I immediately choked. This was, after all, exactly the kind of line
every male dreams of. Then I glanced at my wife, who was glaring back at
me with a crimson complexion. Swallowing hard, I got a grip on my
libido.
"Uh... No nuts," I replied. "No nuts at all."

Two Boy Scouts were picking hickory nuts while on a nature hike in the hills. They filled their pails to the brim and then began to fill their pockets. When they were unable to hold any more, they went down the country road and stopped when they came to a cemetery, deciding that would be a good place to rest and divide the nuts between them.
Sitting in the shade of an old oak tree, they emptied their pails and pockets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile on the ground. In the process of doing this, two rolled away and rested by the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts, "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but couldn't see the boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Dad! Dad!" he yelled as he ran inside his house. "The cemetery. Come more...

Want proof humans are doomed by their stupidity? Well, here's some actual label instructions found on various consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On Swan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Hey, it's Only a suggestion...)
On a Tesco dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (an open invitation to shoplifters...)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for an Iron (Rowenta): Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
On Sainsbury peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat more...

A Pirate walks into a bar
The Bar tender says"Do you realise that you have a wheel between your legs"
The Pirate Replies"Yeh I do its driving me Nuts".

Recipe for Banana Cake

Ingredients:
1 bedroom
2 smiling eyes
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur trimmed mixing bowl
1 large banana and essence
2 anxious nuts

Method:

Go into bedroom, look into smiling eyes
Separate well shaped legs, squeeze milk containers until
fur trimmed bowl is well greased
Add banana and essence
Gently work in and out until well greased
Cover with nuts

Notes:
Cake is done when banana is soft
Wash utensils. DO NOT lick bowl.

If cake starts to rise....... leave town.

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''