Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes

Beer nuts are $1, and deer nuts are always under a buck.

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat more...

On a hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping.'
On a bag of chips:
'You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'
On a bar of soap:
'Directions: use like regular soap.'
On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: defrost.'
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
'Fits one head.'
On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
'Do not turn upside down.'
On packaged Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating.'
On packaging for an iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
On children's cough medicine:
'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'
On sleep aid:
'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
On peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts.'
On a packet of nuts:
'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'
On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
On more...

These are actual instruction labels on
consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's' just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the more...

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch.

When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled,' 'Up, nuts!'' and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled,' 'Down, nuts!'' and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,' 'Clap, nuts!'' and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer.

But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded,' 'What happened?''' 'Everything was fine,'' the assistant said,' 'until some guy came over and yelled,' more...

I went to the park today. I sat on a bench. I reflected. All this while eating a turkey and provolone sandwich. Wow, I can multi-task.
A squirrel came over to me and asked me for a bite. (Well, he didn't ask, but you know...) So I peeled a piece of cheese off my sandwich and tossed it to him.
At which point a peculiar homeless guy, seated a few feet away from me and eating his own sandwich, said, "Be careful giving them cheese. Constipates'em. Can't get their nuts out."
You learn wherever you go-you just have to be open to it.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."