Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?"
The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously... you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?"
"You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement.
The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.
"What'll you have?" asks the more...
Outside of town was the cemetery and there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down beside the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." said the one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road from town was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. He knew what it was. "Oh, my Gosh!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo you brat! Can't you see I'm more...
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab. Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house. Man who farts in church sits alone in pew. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring Nail on board is not good as screw on bench. Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth. Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth. Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality. more...
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you more...
What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. How do you know when you're leading a more...
Running U. S. appliances on British current. Runs squares around the competition. Rusty springs in the mousetrap. S p a c e d o u t. Sailboat fuel for brains. Sat under the ozone hole too long. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong. Serving donuts on another planet. Settled some during shipping and handling. Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way. Several nuts over fruitcake minimum. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest. She only packed half a sandwich. She only schedules zombie processes. She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem. She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes. She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless. Short a few cards. Short-circuited between the earphones. Should be the poster child for family planning. Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing. Single-sided, low density. Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church. Skating on the wrong side of more...