Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.
The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."
The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."
The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!"
"Hell more...
Dividing PecansOn the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't more...
Ingredients:
2 Loving Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana (small will do)
Method:
1. Look into Loving Eyes.
2. Fold in Loving Arms.
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
4. Squeeze and massage milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
**Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.
Warning: If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.!!!!
Confucius Say...Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.Better to be pissed off than pissed on.He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.He who run behind bus get exhausted.Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
Confucius say...Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.Man who fart in church sit in own pew.Baseball very funny game-man with 4 balls no can walk! Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.Man with atletic finger make broad jump.Squirrel who runs up more...
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as
possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's' just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive more...
Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N. B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.