Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes
Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.
Santa is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Santa is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Santa was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Santa is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey! Why don`t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That`ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Santa is startled by the patient`s seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I`m in here because I`m crazy, not because I`m stupid."
theres a new candy bar that came out its called the jackson 2 its dark chocolate dipped in white with out nuts. if you buy two you get 10% off jesus juice
These are a few actual instructions or warnings found on various consumer products. What were the manufacturers thinking or, better yet, were they?
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
- On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive or operate machinery.
- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
- On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
- On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
- On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: Contains more...
How to make a fruitcake!:
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1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Directions:
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1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.
6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.
7. Turn off the mixer.
8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
9. Mix on the turner.
10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
12. Next, sift two more...
THERE WAS A COUPLE WHO WENT ON A VACATION TO MEXICO. UPON ARRIVING THE MAN REALIZED THAT HE'D FORGOTTEN TO BRING HIS WATCH. SO HE DECIDED TO ASK AN OLD MEXICAN MAN SITTING ON THE SIDE OF A DUSTY ROAD ALONG SIDE HIS DONKEY. HE SAID,"EXCUSE ME SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" THE OLD MAN GRABBED THE DONKEY'S NUTS AND PICKED THEM UP AND SAID, "IT'S 5:15, SENORE." THE MAN WAS SHOCKED THAT HE WAS ABLE TO TELL THE TIME BY THIS RATHER ODD METHOD. SO WHILE OUT AND ABOUT THE NEXT DAY, HE SAW THE OLD MAN AGAIN IN THE SAME SPOT. SO HE DECIDED TO ONCE MORE ASK THE OLD MAN THE TIME. ONCE MORE THE OLD MAN GRABBED THE DONKEY'S NUTS AND SAID, " IT'S 2:47, SENORE." THE MAN HAVING PURCHASED A NEW WATCH VERIFIED THE TIME. HE WAS PERPLEXED. SO THE FOLLOWING DAY, HE AGAIN SAW THE OLD MAN SITTING IN THE SAME SPOT. HE DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO ASK HIM HOW IT WAS HE KNEW HOW TO TELL TIME, SIMPLY BY GRABBING THE DONKEY'S NUTS. SO HE MARCHED OVER TO THE OLD MEXICAN MAN AND more...