Nuts Jokes / Recent Jokes
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the more...
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.Sample the whisky to check for quality.Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to more...
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!) On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause more...
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.
Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.
"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."
Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"
The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm more...
This one time, i was in the back of a bus, and all of a sudden a big red chimp came and hit me in the sac. I was very angry. Another time i got this candy bar for a quarter and this quarter was from the year 2009 and so far that year is not here, but anyways im getting off subject here, so like i was saying this candy bar had a lot of nuts i think i counted the nuts on it and there was like 50023 in one little square centimeter, and if you didnt know my favorite color is pinkish beighesih bluish redish purple and my favorite number has got to be about 100541450853183218502873.043, but like i was saying this candy bar had so much chocolate that after i ate it, my shit was all brown, and my shit is usually about that greenish yellow stage, o and if this makes no sense, heres a little story for you: once i was riding my head and reading a video game, and all of a sudden this big mailbox came out of nowhere and i hit my bike, it was so crazy. but anyways, this one time, at band camp, i more...
The behavior of a group of long term patients at a psychiatric hospital had been so admirable, the director decided to take them on a field trip to an opening day baseball game. He worked with the group for several weeks beforehand, training them to behave appropriately.
He had accomplished his goal by opening day and the group obeyed every command he would give.
When the National Anthem began, he said "Up Nuts" and they all stood. When the Anthem finished, he said "Down Nuts" and they all sat down in their seats. Noticing how well they were behaving, he decided he would go and get a hot dog and drink. He looked and them and said, "Stay Nuts" and off he went.
When he returned, he was horrified to see a riot had broken out in the stadium section where his patients were. He asked one of the ushers what had happened.
"Everything was going great," the usher explained, "until the vendor came around shouting "Peanuts!"