Ode Jokes / Recent Jokes

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
---Author unknown

For years' n years they told me,
be careful of your breasts
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
the doctor found a lump
He ordered up a mammogram
to look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,
as she got my tit in line
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah, yes, there! That's just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!!!

My skin was stretched' n stretched
from way up by my chin
And my poor tit was being squashed
to swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt within
it's vice-like grip
A prisoner in this more...

Redneck's Ode to a ValentineKudzu is green. My Dog's name is Blue. And I'm so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we's in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I'm in hawg heaven. I'm plumb out of my wits. And speakin' of wits, You got plenty fer shore.' Cuz you are my woman. I can't ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo're there for yore man To patch up life's toubles And stick' em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant On more...

THE following ode is applicable to the large population of India:
Beemar aap hain, beemar hain ham,
Beemar saara zamaana; Chor aur police rnein farq sirf itna
Ek vardi mein hain, doosra bina vardee. Barhti huee aabaadee ne kee yeh barbaadee. (You are sick, I am sick, the entire world is sick; the only difference between a policeman and a thief is that one is in uniform, the other has none. It is our increasing population that has brought this ruination.)

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER by Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's more...

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it`s weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o`er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker`s
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we`re lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault`s with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad more...