Wee Jokes

For many years a guy is looking for a pure and innocent girl to marry. Finally, he meets a really nice girl, but to be sure he brings her up to his place and after some drinks he drops his pant, holds his penis in his hand and asks her what is this? She says That's a wee-wee. So convinced of her purity he marries her. He's about to get into bed with her on their honeymoon night when he drops his pajamas and holding his penis in his hand once more, he asks What's this? She replies I told you that's a wee-wee. He says, No, this is really called a cock. She says No, a cock is about eight inches long and two inches wide... yours is a wee-wee.

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Rafferty.

"Top o' the mornin' to ye," said the Father, "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied "Aye, that ye did, Father."

"And be there any wee ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan said.

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye."

"Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?"

"Oh, yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four singles -- 10 in more...

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....
Please read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

There is no danger of a Grinch more...

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER by Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's more...

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order." I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie." I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner." I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie." I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert." I want a banana split," said the first piggie." I want a root beer float," said the second piggie." I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie." Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered more...