Oil Jokes / Recent Jokes
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of LifeGet Your Tongue Outta My Mouth' Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was PureHow Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My LifeI Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go BowlingI Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About YouI'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of LifeI've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your HeartIf Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart LowMy John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My HeartOh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through YouShe Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since hes in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - were right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, Im a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he cant do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this? " The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres! "
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20. 00 Coffee $1. 00 Total $21. 00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50. 00.
2) Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20. 00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack car up.
5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms more...
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.
Father Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear: Oh, will you all please cut it out?! I haven't even served
the porridge yet!
Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?. .. Its twirly.
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?. .. Because the poor had no money.
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.
What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? WET rocks.
What is a plumbers favourite flower?. .. Draineeums.
What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin?. .. A jock more...
A JAT happened to be going to another village, holding his charpoy on his head.
A tailee (one who grinds oil seeds to extract oil), passing by, remarked;']at re jat, tere sar pe khat.' (Jat, oh Jat, your bed is on your head.)
Wanting to be one-up, the rustic Jat remarked,' Tailee, re Tailee, tere sar pe kohlu. ' (Tailee, oh Tailee, the oil grinder is on your head.)
The tailee retorted,' Bid na lagee'. (It doesn't rhyme.)
The Jat guffawed and replied,' Susre, bojh se to mara!' (So what! you'll die due to the weight on your head!)
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this? " The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front." The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres! "
Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Oláy, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.