Oil Jokes / Recent Jokes

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth' Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple. nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D. C.

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in
recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we
shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining.
The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a
tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable
weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka (to numb the elves before you peel them and dice
them).
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

Preparation:
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some
olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the more...

U.S. retail gas prices dropped nearly 22 cents a gallon in the past two weeks, the second decline in a row since a mid-August peak, according to a survey released Sunday.
Some industry experts predict gas prices will drop in direct proportion to how well Congress fares in upcoming election polls.
Translation: We'll have 3 cent-a-gallon gas on November 1.

A typical American's lifestyle -

"He drove his German car made of Swedish steel and interior of Argentine
leather to a gasoline station, where he filled up with Arab oil shipped in a
Liberian tanker and bought two French tires, composed of rubber from Sri
Lanka."

"At home, he dropped his Moroccan briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed coat,
removed his Italian shoes and Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a Hong Kong
robe and matching slippers from Taiwan."

"More comfortable now, he poured a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an
English coffee mug, set a Mexican placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth atop
a Danish table varnished with linseed oil from India."

Then he filled his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco, lit it, and picked up
a Japanese ball-point pen with which he wrote a letter to his congressman
demanding to know why the United States has an unfavorable balance more...

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA. Well, here's the answer: It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.