Operation Jokes / Recent Jokes
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital more...
Wife's Operation
I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and "sir do you have a extra $20. 00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000. 00. I have $980. 00 and just need the last $20. 00"
Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.
Well the man replied "No sir... I have money for gambling."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous. - -They insisted that all employees get to work by 8: 45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions. REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. - -I was working for my mom until she decided to move. - -The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. - -I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5: 30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. - -My goal is to be a more...
Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm Method" but, despite trying the Tango and the Samba my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at five o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested we use the "Safe Period". At the time we were living with the in laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, b ut I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and the wife pregnant. Another old wives' tale was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse more...
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!""Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit... He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
A guy walks into his doctor`s office and says, "Ddddoc, I`ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III`m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I`ll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I`m pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It`s your penis. It`s about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor`s office and says, "Thanks Doc. You`ve solved my problem and I don`t stutter any more but I`ve more...