Oscar Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sung to the Oscar Mayer™ song: His baloney has a first name, It's "I did not inhale." His baloney has a second name:"I wasn't getting tail." He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a wayOf making bullshit sound OK!

Tired of hearing how he was the greatest shot in the state, Frank bet Oscar that if they went in the woods, he could find an animal he couldn’t hit. Oscar’s ego was such that he accepted the bet willingly, and the next morning the two men went tramping through the woods.
Suddenly Frank spotted a squirrel at the top of a distant tree. The towering oak had to be a thousand yards away… beyond the range of his companion’s shotgun. “There, ” he said, “Hit that squirrel. ”
Taking aim, Oscar fired; an instant later the squirrel scurried down the tree.
Frank beamed, “Well ole pal, looks like you lose. ”
“Lose? ” Oscar declared. “You just witnessed a miracle. ”
“What miracle is that? ”
“A squirrel running with it’s heart shot out. ”

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the' 90's!, he'd beCat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy DoggPooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him tomarry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark's brother more...

"Vanity Fair Magazine" is canceling its annual Oscars party. They explained that having Tommy Lee Jones hanging around the other stars didn't fit their definitions of either "vanity" or "fair".

To stay true to the spirit of the film, the Academy has agreed that if it wins Best Picture, it will win it as the first award of the evening, while winning an unimportant technical category to close the night.

Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren who played "The Queen" has revealed she was date-raped a couple times and did lots of cocaine when she was a student.
Variety reports that she has now surpassed Amy Winehouse as the front runner to play the lead in "Coke Whore".

LH741:"Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar more...