Ovens Jokes

From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too more...

You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: You then enter: . If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these more...

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET more...

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: more...

THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days-much less 30 minutes-employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP more...