Owned Jokes / Recent Jokes

Wayne went to the pet store to buy a parrot. One bird caught his eye: previously owned, it was especially handsome and he purchased it. As soon as the bird was settled on its perch, Wayne went to the cupboard.
"You want a cracker?" he asked, holding out a Saltine.
The bird looked at the snack. "What are you, stupid? And blind? You think I keep my feathers rich by eating crackers, you moron? I want pate' and I want it now, asshole!"
Shocked by this unprovoked abuse, Wayne returned to the pet store and walked up to the proprietor.
"Just who owned that bird before me anyway?!"... he demanded.
"Didn't I tell you?" the proprietor said. "You are the owner of a bird that once belonged to John McEnroe."

Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Dollly, had brought a gift up to her desk.
"Guess what it is!" said Dolly.
Knowing that Dolly's father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?"
"How did you know?" asked Dolly
Next, Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Robert.
Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?"
"How did you know ?" asked Robert
Finally, Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith.
"Guess what it is!" said Johnny.
Knowing that Johnny's father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them.
"Rum?" guessed Miss Smith.
"No" said Johnny.
She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed.
"No" said Johnny.
Once again she wet her more...

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist."So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist. To which she replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

Application to Live in KentuckyName:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________Address (RFD No.):_________________-_____________________________________Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________Mamma:_________________________Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark RedNumber of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________Truck equipped with:____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting RifleNumber of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____BUMPER STICKERS:____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too____Honk if more...

You're an 80's child if...

1. You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
2. You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
3. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
4. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in' 'Thriller'' at the end of the video.
5. You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
6. You wore french rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.
7. You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
8. You owned a doll with' Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
9. You knew what Willis was' 'talkin'' bout.''
10. You know the profound meaning of' 'Wax on, Wax off.''
11. You can name at least half of the members of the elite' 'Brat Pack.''
12. You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!
13. You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle more...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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