Pacifier Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
    Your Clothes
    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
    ---------------
    Preparing for the Birth
    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
    ---------------
    The Layette
    1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
    3rd baby: more...

    Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
    Your Clothes
    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
    Preparing for the Birth
    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
    2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
    The Layette
    1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
    Worries
    1st baby: more...

    AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
    DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
    FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
    FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
    GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
    HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
    INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
    OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
    PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
    PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
    SHOW more...

    Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar more...

    Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
    Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
    Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
    Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
    Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
    Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
    Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
    Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
    Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
    Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
    Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
    Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you more...

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