Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I’m not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It’s not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I’ll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I’m going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57. 95 for that and he’s playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don’t need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in more...
A deal was struck between an industrialist and a government minister for the sanction of a licence for Rs. ten lakhs to be paid in cash. A note sanctioning the issue of licence was prepared and put up to the minister for his signature.
The industrialist, not being sure of the minister's intentions, brought Rs. five lakhs and handed them over to the minister's secretary - the remaining five to be paid on issue of the licence.
The file came back with the minister's remark:' Not accepted.'
The industrialist promptly paid the remaining five lakhs and the file was taken back to the minister who simply added the letter' E' to the' not':' Note accepted.'
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied. “What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger? ” “No, silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, “I just paid $6000 for these, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ’” “So, then? ” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ’” “So, then? ” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought ‘This is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
A young man who lived a great distance away from his family was unable to attend his father's funeral, so he called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and have the bill sent to me."
A few weeks later, he received a bill for $200, which he paid. The following month he received another bill for $200, which he also paid, thinking it was probably some incidental expense.
Every month thereafter he continued to receive another bill for $200 until, finally, he called his brother to find out what was going on.
"Well, you did say do something nice for Dad, so I rented him a tuxedo!" his brother explained.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm
here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.
Bentley’s second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist! Berta’s Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. “The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist. ” Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist. An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
Dear IRS:
Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear