Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied.
“What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off? ”
“No silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ”
“So then? ” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ”
“So then? ”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4.' 'But I paid, don't you remember?'' says the customer.' 'Okay,'' says the bartender,' 'if you said you paid, you did.'' The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies,' 'If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.'' Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says,' 'You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.''' 'Don't bother me with your troubles,'' the final patron responds.' 'Just give me my change and I'll be more...
There was a man having sex with a prostitute upstairs, when all of a sudden the
prostitute leaves to go to the bathroom. The man then thought it was all over and
threw his condom out the window of his house. When the prostitute comes back, she
would not have sex with him without the condom. So since he allready paid the woman
and that was his last condom he threw out, he goes outside to get it. To his surprize
a kid has his condom in his hand. The man said "hay kid thats my condom". In reply the
kid says "well I found it first so it's mine". The man says "I'll give you 25 cents for it".
The kid pauses but says "no give me 25 dollars for it". Since he allready paid the prostitute
300 dollars, he pays the kid 25 dollars for it. The Kid runs home and tells his mother of the
story but then says "I ripped the guy off, because I allready sucked the cream from it". --hee hee
I tolk you it was more...
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your more...
An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."
The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."
John who was not very well paid, yet who had several children learned a distressing piece of news from his wife Linda. The next morning he called his insurance agent to ask a weighty question, to which the insurance agent replied, "No, John, Linda`s pregnancy is not covered by your accident policy."
The editors of "The Seattle Times" couldn't resist running (pardon the pun) the following story on the front page yesterday. They also couldn't decide on a headline so they gave the story two.
CUSTOMER REFUND HIGHLY IRREGULAR
MAN ASKS FOR $2 FROM EX-LAX; TAKES $98,002 AND RUNS
By Richard Seven
Seattle Times Staff Reporter
Authorities are searching for a former Kent man they say found relief in the form of an erroneous $98,002 refund from the makers of Ex-Lax.
Barry Lyn Stoller, 38, wrote a letter demanding the maker of the laxative reimburse him the $1.99 he paid for a package of the product after, he claimed, it failed to work, according to first-degree theft charges filed in King County Superior Court.
The New Jersey-based Sandoz Corp. immediately issued a refund check, but mistakenly wrote the amount to correspond not to the $1.99 cost but to Stoller's zip code, 98032.
King County prosecutors allege Stoller deposited the check, withdrew the more...