Painted Jokes / Recent Jokes

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands.
"I did more...

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comeshome from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see wheremy husband put his hand last night?" He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work aheadof me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

How do you do so well with girls?" the frustrated sophomore asked his roommate.
"You've got to have a gimmick," the roommate responded. "For instance, I've painted a white circle on the dashboard of my car. My dates always ask about it. From there, I turn the conversation to white things in general, then to abstract white things, like virginity; and after that, it's easy to talk them into it."
"That sounds simple enough," the friend agreed. That evening, he painted a white circle on his dashboard before picking up his date.
"That's rather unique-to have a white circle painted on your dash," the girl said, soon after she got into the car.
"Yes, isn't it?" the young fellow replied. "Do you want to screw?"

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Little Bobby was spending this weekend with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to
take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes
you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus
sits on God's right hand!"

Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of more...