Parent Jokes / Recent Jokes
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family. But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife." One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
What do you call two people who do not hesitate to embarrass you in front of your friends?
Mum and Dad!!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...[Five minutes later] "Da-ad..." "What?" "Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "Im THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Editor's note: This is a crude, sick series of shock jokes. You've been warned.
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Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:
- Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.
- If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage "all-by-myself" will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.
- Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.
- Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, "Are you okay, baby?!"
- Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.
- Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.
- Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try more...
"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" asked Rupert. "Okay," replied his father, "but dont stand too close."
The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom more...
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.Your Clothes1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.---------------Preparing for the Birth1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.---------------The Layette1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?---------------Worries1st baby: At the first sign more...