Parenthood Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young mother asked her husband to take their two-year-old for a walk. The husband was busy working on a project, but with a deep sigh (the kind that let his wife know he was not pleased), he grabbed the baby carriage and began walking around the block in the hot sun.

"Honey," shouted the young mother from the second-story window. "Leave Me Alone!" he called back. "We're all right."

An hour later his wife once again pleaded, "Honey". "Well, what do you want?" he replied in a gruff way. "Is there anything wrong in the house." "No, honey" replied his wife." But you've been wheeling little Suzie's doll all afternoon. Isn't it time for the baby to have a turn."

One of the greatest mysteries of life is how that idiot who married your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world.

A young college student wrote home to his family: "Dear Mom and Dad, I haven't heard from you in nearly a month. Please send a check so I'll know you are all right."

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."

A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."

A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."

In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.

After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"

They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"