Parody Jokes / Recent Jokes
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for:
(please initial all that apply)
_________a martini,
_________a margarita,
_________a beer,
__________a steak,
_________ the remote control,
__________ a bowl of ice cream,
_________ a Kalua on the rocks,
________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Signature:___________________________
Date: more...
' The Xmas-Files'
by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51 p.m., December 24th.
'We're too late! It's already been here.'
'Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.'
'Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.'
'You really think someone's been here?'
'Someone, or something.'
'Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake.'
'Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.'
'It's O.K. There's a note attached:' Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.''
'It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.'
'Who? What are you talking about?'
'Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter more...
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL more...
If figures in history spoke like you and me...
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt more...
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows' 95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Fabrege egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December more...
Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I.. .
Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the
Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates'
primary Business Plan.
Alternate/rejected titles for the movie Twister:
*Totally Gone With The Wind
*Boys On The Side... Of My Barn
*The Weather Channel: The Movie
*Schindler's Twist
*Field of Debris
*Dead Man Flying
*One House Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
*The Splintered Bridges of Madison County
*Wizard of Oz II:The Search For Toto
*Killer Genuine Draft
*Four Weddings and a Funnel
*Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom
*A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To the Farm
*Roofless in Seattle