Parody Jokes / Recent Jokes
tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...
"Hello, I'm Mike Walrus, and this is 60 Seconds"
"We're here in Hong Kong to bring you a story that may shock and horrify some viewers. This city is a beehive of industry and activity, a monument to free enterprise and commerce, but behind these shops and warehouses, hidden from public view, is the sordid story of a condiment gone terribly wrong.
"I'm talking about duck sauce. You've probably seen or tried it before, those little orange packets tossed in with your Chinese take-out meals. But look closely at them...those little floating bits aren't apricot...they're real duck.
"Yes, it's a tragic tale of waterfowl laid waste, an underground industry that reaps millions of export dollars and is depleting the duck population all around the South China Sea.
"We tracked several shipments of duck sauce to a clandestine factory here, operating under the name more...
From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up: Machiavelli's The Little Prince. Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
First Runner-Up: Green Eggs and Hamlet Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.
And the Winner: Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities. An' 80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
Honorable Mentions:
Where's Walden? Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is more...
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin:' Woke up this morning.'
2.' I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the
blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough more...
Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
But I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might
Tossing and turning
With anticipation
The thought of a snack
Became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore.
Gobbled up turkey
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
Beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling
So plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling,
Floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding
And a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell
As i soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all -
Pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be more...
Translated from latin scroll dated 2BC
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money more...
Grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-----------------
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A team of MIT physicists announced Monday that they have successfully split the smithereen, heretofore considered the smallest possible unit of matter. "For decades, conventional scientific wisdom held that the most to which you could blow something was smithereens," Dr. Jonathan Eng said. "It now appears that it is possible, under certain special laboratory conditions, to blow something to sub-smithereens."
Eng said he believes the discovery will revolutionize humanity's potential for harnessing smithereenetic energy.