Pause Jokes / Recent Jokes

US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

Said to be true:

There was a boatswain's mate named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches inport on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

'Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail.'

A very pregnant pause' Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!'

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD (Officer of the Deck).

'Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash *receptacles* into the *containers* provided on the pier.'

This was a different day but he was piping' general visiting'

'Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard.'

The most widely used language in the world has neither
name nor dictionary. It crosses the bounds of all known
dialects. I have discovered that all women of all ages
are able to speak it, and am revealing what little I
know of it to menfolk everywhere.

This secret language is a strange combination of words,
intonations, faint eyebrow-lifting and well-placed
pauses by which women can even exchange insults in
such a manner that the male thinks they are
complimenting each other.

They can make the male believe that a woman they are
discussing is their bosom friend, when in reality,
they`re ripping her to shreds.

It`s also useful to them in awkward social situations.
For example, the hostess decides that it`s time for
y`all to go home. Maybe the hostess will say

"Can`t I give you just one more drink (pause) before
(pause) you go." The man of course is ready to more...

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is grey (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him."Well," said the boy, "I KNOW the answer is suposed to be more...

January 19th - Clone Patent Day
In 2000, the U.S. biotechnology company Geron Corporation, which had bought the Scottish research company formed by those who had cloned Dolly the sheep, won the first UK patents for cloning. The patents covered the nuclear transfer technology used to create Dolly in 1996.
LEAK SUPPORT
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak."
"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE."
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly."
"My what?"
"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look down."
"I see shoes."
"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach. You should see some metal on more...

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred: ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I more...