Pause Jokes / Recent Jokes

A gay Jewish boy phones home, and tells his momma that he wants to go back into the closet. The reason being that he has met a wonderful girl and they are to be married.
He adds that he knows this will come as a huge relief to her, as his gay lifestyle had been a source of much distress for her.
Of course Momma is over the moon, and wants to start making wedding plans immediately!
Then after a pause, she ventures "I suppose it's too much to hope that the girl is also Jewish?"
He replies, "yes Momma, she is Jewish, and what's more, is from a very wealthy and respectable Beverly Hills family."
Momma is beside herself! "And what is the name of this wonderful girl?"
And the son replies,
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a looooong pause. Then Momma asks,
"Whatever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's daddy," says Bob, "is mummy near the phone?" "No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to mummy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he more...

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe more...

Scenario: A bishop (B) and a rabbi (R) are sharing a train compartment. After
a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their
past life experiences...
(General conversation...)
B: So tell me, rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?
R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I
tried it. But only the once...
(short pause)
R: So tell me bishop, have you ever... enjoyed the comforts of a
young woman?
B: Well, ahem, yes... before I took my vows, mind you, when I was
not so old and not so wise...
[another short pause]
R: Zo, it's better than ham, hmm?

As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain’s mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics -
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
“Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail. ”
A very pregnant pause
“Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier! ”
Another pause, now he’s obviously reading something written by the OOD.
“Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier. ”
This was a different day but he was piping “general visiting”
“Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard. ”

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few mo