Peeves Jokes

One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished.

"Department Store Santa Pet Peeves"
As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted" Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from' Nam Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?" Two words: lap rash

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians... Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks. Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO! Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies." Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle. Toe tag paper cuts. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days." Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael more...

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster - just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet more...

"Department Store Santa Pet Peeves"
As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
Two words: lap rash