Morticians Jokes

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians... Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks. Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO! Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies." Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle. Toe tag paper cuts. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days." Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael more...

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster - just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet more...

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.No moth, no Jodie Foster - just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO! Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.Toe tag paper cuts.The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"and more...

Two morticians are working on a body. One says to the other:
"'The other day I got girl's body that was found in a river. You should've seen it, her clit was like a pickle" To which he replies: "Why, was it green?" And he says: "No, it was sour."

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.
The second smiled, "That's nothing" he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.
The third grinned and said "You two didn't have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.