Embalming Jokes

The lawyer cabled his client overseas:' Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?'

Back came the reply,' Take no chances - order all three.'

15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

7) Toe tag paper cuts.

6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it more...

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster - just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet more...

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.No moth, no Jodie Foster - just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO! Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.Toe tag paper cuts.The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"and more...

An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its rear end. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.
Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."
Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the rear end of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. more...