Penis Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dave and Lois, both elderly residents at a retirement home, found that the more time they spent together, the friendlier they got with each other. As time went on, they were really beginning to enjoy each other's company. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, Dave said, "I realize we're both old and can't do much sexually any longer, but if I pulled my penis out, would you hold it?"
Not seeing anything wrong with his request, Lois agreed.
Each day for the next month they would sit on a park bench by the lake and Lois would hold Dave's penis. One day, Dave didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Concerned that something may have happened to him, Lois set out to search for him.
Further down the lake she spotted Dave sitting on a bench with another woman beside him. She quickly walked up to the bench and was shocked to see Dave's penis in the other woman's hand.
Upset, Lois yelled at Dave, "We've been together for a few months now. I more...
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the
problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis
are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if
you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor
explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a
baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for
it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to
use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the
city. In the middle of more...
New IRS Tax Policy
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches -Luxury Tax -$50.00
10-8 inches -Pole Tax -$30.00
8-6 inches -Privilege Tax -$15.00
6-4 inches -Nuisance Tax -$5.00
Please Note:
-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
- * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.
Please do not request more...
The United States government had just completed an exhaustive study to
find out what purpose the head of a man's penis
served. After three years and almost 2 million dollars, they agreed that
it was to give the woman more pleasure.
Germany, finding out about the survey and not wishing to be left out,
spent 18 months and $450,000.00 and decided that the
head of a man's penis served to give the man more pleasure.
Poland, refusing to be outdone, conducted their own survey. After three
weeks and $29.50, they determined that it was to
keep Stash's hand from sliding off and hitting him in the forehead.
New IRS Tax PolicyGOVERNMENT NOTICEJanuary 1, 1995To: All Male TaxpayersFrom: IRSRE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040PThe only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.*12-10 inches -Luxury Tax -$50.0010-8 inches -Pole Tax -$30.008-6 inches -Privilege Tax -$15.006-4 inches -Nuisance Tax -$5.00Please Note:-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.- * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.Please do not request an extensionSincerely, Pecker CheckerInternal Revenue Services
The Naughty Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off more...
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your more...