Penis Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10, 000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general's body, between two points he chose. The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720, 000. The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960, 000. Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop' em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip more...

Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D. C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 - P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040. 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50. 00 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30. 00 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15. 00 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5. 00 Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!! Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains. Sincerely, Peter Checker Internal more...

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Ddddoc, I’ve bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III’m tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme??? ”
The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you first before I can answer you. ”
The doc examines him and says, “Well, I’m pretty sure that I know what the problem is. ”
The guy asks, “wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc? ”
The doc says, ”It’s your penis. It’s about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords. ”
The guy asks, “Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it? ”
The doc replies, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering. ”
The guy says, “Dddo it! ”
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor’s office and says, “Thanks Doc. You’ve solved my problem and I don’t stutter any more but I’ve only had sex once more...

two guys were walking down the street when they say a nice looking hoe standing beside them. One of the guys say " suck my dick! " and she goes "with honour folow me". the man leaves his friends and follows her up some stair to a room and goes inside. when they arrive in she goes i nthe bathrrom and comes back out naked. the man then quickly strips and lies down on the bed. the man then says " how much?" and the hoes says. " free for ur cock its so big so you can stick it right up inside me and probe my inners" the man grabs her thrust her onto the bed and fucks her hard in the pussy so hard she screams the whole flats down. the man then pulls his dick out throusts her onto her back and thrusts his cick into her asshole deep. she moans and says deeper! harder!!!. so he thrust harder and deeper into the pussy and she starts screaming. he then is coming close to orgasm so he whips his dick out and gets her to masturbate his long penis. he more...

A man wakes up every morning and takes a shower, shaves and goes to work. One morning, the man wakes up with an erection looks at the clock and sees he is late for work. so the man skips the shower and shaves, while he is shaving he drops the razor and cuts off his penis.
his penis looks up at him and says "fourty years of fist fighting and you pull a knife?"

After losing his penis in a horrible accident, Schreiber went to doctor after doctor, but none could help. Finally a plastic surgeon was able to substitute a baby elephant trunk for the missing member.
Overcome with joy over the good news, the worked decided to have dinner with his wife at a fancy italian restorante to celebrate. Before he had a chance to tell his wife the news, the trunk came up from his pants and grabbed a roll off the table and then disappeared into his pants.
Schreiber's wife demanded an immediate explanation, and, upon learning of the opperation became very excited. "Tell me," she asked, "Can you do that roll trick again?"
"I think so," said Schreiber, "But, to be honest, I don't know if I can handle another bun up my ass."

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "It's not for my more...