Personal Jokes / Recent Jokes
REDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 - In direct response to the recent decision handed down by the Court of Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court on the case presented by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President George Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2002 at the latest", according to Microsoft President Steve more...
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for more...
You are probably acquainted with the Ten Commandments. These ten rules
of conduct are now something like three thousand years old. They were
certainly appropriate for the time when they were given, but this is the
Age of Information, and there is need for something more up-to-date.
Determining exactly what we need will of course require much discussion;
to provide a starting point I include my own list of rules. These may
of course be of no use to you, but I don't claim to be a prophet.
My Personal Philosophy
1. Thou shalt not bore thy neighbours by expounding thy personal
philosophy to them.
2. [deleted]
3. [deleted]
4. [deleted]
5. [deleted]
6. [deleted]
7. [deleted]
8. [deleted]
9. [deleted]
10. [deleted]
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I`m married with 9 children. I don`t require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don`t let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I`m a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I`ve made money and lost money. I`ve been rich and I`ve been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don`t misconstrue my 14 jobs as `job-hopping`. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They more...
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as' job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They more...
Washington DC - An Indiana woman has won agreement from the US Tax Court that her breasts are business assets and can be depreciated for tax purposes.
Cynthia S. Hess, known as "Chesty Love" in her professional life as an exotic dancer, claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to a 56FF.
The IRS turned down the deduction, citing a long list of court decisions holding that expenditures to enhance a taxpayer's health or appearance - while useful for business - are so inherently personal that they can't be deducted as a business expense.
But Hess found an ally in Special Trail Judge Joan Seitz Pate, who ruled that the implants increased Hess' income and that the the breasts are so large and cumbersome - they weigh about 10 pounds each - that she couldn't derive personal benefit from them.
From the Daily Collegian
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said." Anything, anything," said the ambassador." First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation." Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion more...