Pickle Jokes / Recent Jokes

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.
The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, every time I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."
The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well every time I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."
The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."

A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ”
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn. ”
The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, ”
You have your left tit in the Ashtray! ”

One day a penis, a pickle and a cucumber were all standing around talking about how much their lifes suck.
The Cucumber said "
Imagine sitting in dirt all your life and then shoved in a bag, tossed around, drenched it water and then cut up into little pieces."
Then the Pickle chimed in with, "
You think thats bad, try having to deal with being put in a tub of water, almost drowning, and then having a ceiling put on top so you sufocate to death."
Then the Penis spoke "
whatever, you guys got it easy....All my life i've gotten beaten, pushed and pulled, have bags put over my head and then hit against a wall until I throw up."

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.
1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, more...

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.
1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway? 3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything onSatan."6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with more...

A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck a bag over my head put me in a dark cave and made me do pushups till I threw up.

a family consisting of a mom a dad and a son was remodeling there house. The bouys room was bieng redone so the 3 shared one room with bunk beds.
the boy was on the bottom and the parents on top. the parents wanted to have a 3 some so they invited some friends over.
The mother said " i dont want my son to know so instead of making"noises" you say lettuce tomato pickle."
well they got started and they were like lettuce tomato pickle, well the boy woke up and said "COULD YOU QUIT MAKING SANDWICHES YOUR GETTING MAYONAISE ON ME."
LOL