Pint Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make' em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O. K., o. k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? more...

a man and his friend called donkey (who had a stutter) went into a bar the man went to the bar and said to the barman, ill have a pint for me and a pint for donkey, the barman give him the 2 pints and after the man and his friend donkey drank them the man went to the toliet while the man was at the toliet his friend got the next drink he said to the barman, cccaannn i hh..ave 2 pints, the barman says, thats not fair the way he calls u donkey, donkey replies, heaw heaw he always calls me donkey.

A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a pint as well", says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too."

The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a more...

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, "Who's in the lounge?" The bartender replies. "15 people playing darts." The man says, "Get them a pint too."Then he asks, "Who's upstairs?" The bartender replies, "150 people at the disco."The man says, "Get them a drink too." The bartender says, "That will be $328 please."The man says, "Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me."The bartender says, "If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck."The man says, "I've all ready been there."

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur more...

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you' to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed more...

A nun entered the local liquor store and asked the clerk to give her a pint of brandy.
"I'm sorry, Sister," the clerk replied, "I couldn't do that. I've never sold alcohol to a nun."
"It's for the Mother Superior," the nun explained. "She's constipated and brandy seems to help."
So, the clerk agreed to sell her the brandy.
When he closed the store later that night, he found the nun sitting out on the curb, totally inebriated, singing and laughing to herself.
"Sister, shame on you!" he scolded. "You told me the brandy was for the Mother Superior's constipation."
"It is, young man, it is," replied the nun, slurring her words. "She is constipated and when she sees me, she's gonna shit herself."