Pistol Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, more...

A man who was having problems with premature ejaculation went to see his doctor to find out what could be done to cure his problem.
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try doing something to startle yourself," suggested the doctor.
Taking the doctor's suggestion to heart, the man went out and bought himself a starter pistol. Anxious to try the suggestion, he ran home to his wife and found her naked in bed waiting for him.
As they began, they found themselves in the 69 position. A few short moments later, the man felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, grabbed the pistol and fired it.
The next day, he returned to his doctor.
"Well, how did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not very well at all," replied the man. "As soon as I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit me really hard where it counts most and my neighbor jumped out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In my
part of the world we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice."

Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.

Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

Failed the Turing test.

Fell out of the family tree.

Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.

Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.

Finds a flat by swapping tires.

Finds canonical humor collections amusing.

Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.

Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Flaky.

Flat out like a lizard drinking.

Flying/landing on one engine.

Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.

Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy’s wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, “Go kill your wife of five years. ” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, “I can’t do it. ” The instructor replied, “Then you fail out, so get out. ”
The second candidate’s wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, “Go kill your wife of ten years. ” The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, “I can’t do it. ” The instructor replied, “Then you fail out - more...