Pistol Jokes / Recent Jokes

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more! ” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More! ” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head! ”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head! ”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny? ” The boy replies, “I more...

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you more...

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die. ”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword. ” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France! ” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please. ” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen! ” and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork! ” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are more...

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting readyto ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the twobegan, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired thepistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Two college friends, one from New York and one from Iowa, come of age during summer break. The New York boy's father presents him with a new pistol. Meantime, the Iowa boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next semester in their dorm room, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.

That night, when the New York boy phones home, he tells his father about the watch, and explains that he and Sammy traded.

The father blows his top. "Whats a matta you! You a stupid college kid? Some day, you maybe gonna get married. Then maybe some day you gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Look at your watch and say,' How long you gonna be?'"

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now weve caught you and were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then were going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, more...

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."
The more...