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The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!
The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?
Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.
There are really only two possible more...
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: : DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: : EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: : I' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: : TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
An anagram is, if you don't know, a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever!
Dormitory = Dirty room
Evangelist = Evil's agent
Desperation = A rope ends it
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Slot machines = Cash lost in 'em
Animosity = is no amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze alarms = Alas! No more Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine class
Semolina = is no meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large picture halls, I bet
A decimal point = I'm a dot in place
The earthquakes = That queer shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
Princess Diana = Ascend in Paris
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to
suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of more...
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for more...
An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!
Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Astronomer - Moon Starer
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two more...
Laws of Household PhysicsEver notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble more...
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch
of my special hand-print cookies.
I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove.
In that micro-second, Fluffy climbed onto the table, poked her paw
into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance,
fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups
of sugar, three sticks of butter. Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and
just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a
trip to the vet clinic.
Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I
didn't. Damages? $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so
the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Fluffy had taste-
tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of
embarrassment more...