"Twelve Days Of Christmas, Costed Out" joke
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch
of my special hand-print cookies.
I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove.
In that micro-second, Fluffy climbed onto the table, poked her paw
into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance,
fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups
of sugar, three sticks of butter. Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and
just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a
trip to the vet clinic.
Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I
didn't. Damages? $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so
the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Fluffy had taste-
tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of
embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly' tail' in slightly
less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13
ornaments on my Christmas tree.
My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches.
My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while
Fluffy feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know that she
was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken
bulbs? 7. 50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue
in my Lenox Nativity.
Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity
figurines $55. 99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid
across the street who collects for charity.
It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch
someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I
settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's
blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their
choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers
for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The
presents beneath my Christmas tree.
It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a
discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Fluffy's stocking.
Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent
aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs $3. 99 for another
roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4. 50 for two empty boxes, $1
each for the kind of bows Fluffy can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The
earrings I bought for my sister Mary.
Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in
her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more
appealing gift. Sale price $29. 95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my
E and G guitar strings.
Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the
middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Fluffy thought
so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of
the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the
way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous
escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for
the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get
stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings
$12. 95; jar of petroleum jelly 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My
Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete
key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line $17. 50. And I
still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote
control from my 13-inch TV.
This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the
power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials,
including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of
"It's a Wonderful Life" $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great
cats" $24. 95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological
profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The
drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey.
OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should
have uttered those now infamous words "Your first turkey, Fluffy.
Want to try just a little piece?" Cost Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas........ Fluffy rested.
And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
When it comes to charity, most people stop at nothing.
On Sunday, the world's 2nd wealthiest man, Warren Buffet, announced he will donate the bulk of his 42 billion dollar fortune to charity. Buffet's oldest daughter, Susie, immediately changed her name to Charity.
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the more...