Presidential Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bush and His Running Mate

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the `short list` currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush`s own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new `Bush-Quayle` posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in more...

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again"
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Hornigate.
Most people get AIDS from sex;
But President Clinton gets sex from aides.
President Clinton: "I didn't say to lie in the deposition!
I said lie in that position!"
The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the President is drilling in the White House again.
The latest on Zippergate President Clinton's name has been recently identified with the UNABANGER.
Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House as the Oral more...

“The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn’t be more excited. … Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It’s a lot better than loser. ” –Jay Leno
“They’re getting ready to unveil President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, ‘In other words, we’re just gonna build some stuff and see what happens. ’” –Conan O’Brien
“You remember Dick Cheney, he’s the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn’t tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney’s family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, ‘My God, how do you shoot an old man in the more...

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: more...

Former New York City Mayor and GOP presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani will speak at Pat Robertson's Regent University in April, the school announced Thursday.

The news comes a day after it was announced that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, one of Giuliani's chief rivals for the Republican presidential nomination, will deliver Regent's commencement address on May 5.

Giuliani will be the featured speaker at the University's Executive Leadership Series on April 17. The forum will be available to both Regent students and members of the community, according to Regent spokeswoman Sherri Stocks.

"Having provided strong leadership during critical times uniquely qualifies Mayor Rudy Giuliani to speak to Regent students and local community members," Stocks told CNN, adding "and having no qualms about hypocricy uniquely qualifies him to kiss Pat Robertson's ass."

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final win ner.
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote, cold, icey lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, Kerry. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, Bush, who has answers to more...

Q: What did Arafat say to Clinton last night?
A:' Sheep don't talk, my friend'


Famous presidential quotes:
-'Ich bin ein Berliner' John F Kennedy
-'I am not a crook' Richard Nixon
-'Ouch, I bumped my head again' Jerry Ford
-'I've felt lust in my heart' Jimmy Carter
-'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall' Ronald Reagan
-'Read my lips' George Bush
-'Suck my dick' William J Clinton