Pretend Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
107. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

You can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty.

Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11: 30 at night. Put up a fight. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. Ask how they fit into that little box. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take more...

Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing...
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. lie.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, more...

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up.... Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Work is for people who don't know how to fishAll I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription: 1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue. 2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor. 3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants. 4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like. 5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?" 6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?" 7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable. 8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!"9. Sit underneath your chair. 10. Stand on your head. 11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it. 12. Never stop smiling. 13. Scream every word. 14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he more...

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while