Pretend Jokes / Recent Jokes

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember more...

1. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
2. A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
3. This isn't an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. Do I look like a fucking people person?
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
11. What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
13. Okay, okay I take it back. UnFuck you!
14. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
15. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
16. And which dwarf are you?
17. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
18. It's not the size that counts, it's the. .. no, it is the size.
19. Well today was a waste more...

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. .. let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, 'Did you feel that?'
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'
Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.
Wear a puppet on your hand and more...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
12. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And just how may I screw you over today?
15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
17. Allow me to introduce my selves.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we more...