Prison Jokes / Recent Jokes

See what 50 years will do:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good more...

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES... THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49. 73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard -- which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida`s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the more...

For a good time, hire a hooker,
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
-Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti

I sometimes feel so bad about things that I wonder if I am sane. I see so many people acting so stupidly in the world, that what they do makes no sense. Maybe I'm the only sane person and everyone else is crazy! It seems like the world has gotten both stupider and nastier over the years, or at least the U.S. has.
It is the asinine stupidity - and plain arrogance - of people that makes me sick. The District of Columbia is damn near so bankrupt it would be "30c short of a quarter." The Financial Control Board gave a timid order to Mayor-for-life Marion "Snort, Snort" Barry to cut 6,000 city employees.
Washington is so obscenely overstaffed that the number of people that should be cut from its payroll is more like 60,000! This isn't cutting the payroll, this is giving it a manicure! People are practically calling this near-nothing cutback a "meat axe" approach!
All the while the city goes deeper into red ink. I'm thinking, when the city does go more...

Militants within Hamas have said that if hundreds of Palestinian prisoners are not released by tomorrow, Israel will, "Bear all the consequences." Translators say this is Arabic for, "We found more rocks."

Incredibly, customers could not taste the difference.

Determination
Talking the boss out of firing you. (Ken Pinkham)
Anthrax
The thorax of a certain colonial insect (Gary Hallock)
Contract
Follow the prisoner (Phil Hudson)
Advice
Pick up a new bad habit (Jay Christie)
Tangent
man who has been in the sun. (Lexicon)
Catacomb
An implement for grooming felines. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Disbelief
How you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is. (Jay Christie)
Political
Scratching your parrot under his wing to make him laugh uncontrolably. (Stan Kegel)
Jaywalking
Exercise that brings on that run–down feeling (Robert Meyers)
Taxi driver
someone who earns a living by driving customers away. (Lexicon)
Catatonic
Your feline's favorite drink (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)
Console
Fileted fish served in prison. (Keith Martin)
Forfeit
What most animals stand on (Jay Christie)
Digress
Tinted artificial turf. (J. A. more...