Prize Jokes / Recent Jokes

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. more...

They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15).
1st prize: "I will do karate for the rest of my life!"
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.
2nd: "Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!"
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.
Unique Prize: "Stop smooching on the train! Why don't you people go home!"
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104.7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.
"I want work!"
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist
"It's so cold in winter - buy me a stove!"
Hideki Matsui
"I couldn't sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didn't have an air conditioner!"
Koji Fukuda
"There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!"
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous date in more...

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the more...

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The shop assistant saw which parrot he had picked out and said, "That parrot repeats everything he hears." "That's alright," the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!" Then the parrot said, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!" They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, "Pop it up, pop it up!" The parrot said, "Pop it up, pop it up!" They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, "Hit a big one, win a prize!" The parrot said, "Hit a big one, win a prize!" Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, "The Lord is above more...

Two men were walking along when a man walked up to them and told them they would win a prize if they could complete to tasks. the first one was to go into the forest and collect a bag of fruit. so they went of, and a while later one man came back, with a bag of berries. the man said, "your next task is to shove them all up your bum without laughing."
so he did that and was going really well, until the last few when all of a sudden he laughed.
"why did you laugh when you were so close to receiving your prize?" asked the man, puzzled.
"well," he replied, "i just saw my friend come out of the forest with a bag of pineapples!"