Program Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5. 0.

In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9. 5 and Personal Attention 6. 5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as Return-Home- Early 4. 2.
Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, but to
no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1. 0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me. html" and try more...

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner. Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead. When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles. God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice more...

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they more...

Dear (IT) Technical Support:
I am desperate for some help.
I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the
new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product
brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other
system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday
Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of
my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help.
Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a more...

Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Top 20 Things You Won't Hear a Programmer Saying
Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.
IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN SET heck:=frozen_over; SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs; END
So, I met this girl at a club last night...
I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is "kewl".
I finished the code two weeks ago, I'd just like a little more time to polish the documentation.
Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.
At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.
Microsoft makes all the best programs.
I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.
My girlfriend said...
Hmmm... needs more testing.
I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-'ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.
I've more...

This is the best that can happen to all you chubby guys... a good one.. please read on..... hahaha
------------------------------------------
A chubby guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a signhanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally more...