Progress Jokes / Recent Jokes

Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.

Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Bo Diddeley's Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dr. Caligari's Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.

Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.

Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.

Quality assurance doesn`t.

Quit while your still behind.

Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.

Real programmers don`t announce how many times the operations department called them last night.

Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long. Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market. Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. Quality assurance doesn’t. Quit while your still behind. Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle. Real programmers don’t announce how many times the operations department called them last night.

A CEO of a troubled company was relieved of his duties at the Board of Directors meeting. When he returned to his office to collect his personal belongings, his replacement was bringing in his first boxload. Not wanting it to be an uncomfortable moment, the former CEO spoke.

"I have nothing against you. This has been a terrible period in my life, and I only wish you the best," he said. "Before I go, let me give you three envelopes. If things start to become really tough, open the first one. After that, you will be fine for awhile, then when it gets tougher, open the second..."

The new CEO thanked his predecessor, finished moving in and began to organize himself. A few months went by, he had made no progress, and was called into a meeting with the Board of Directors. He decided it was time to open the first envelope.

Written on a piece of paper was the advice, "Blame conditions on your predecessor." The man went to the more...

I found the following report, from a ship's master, printed in the August
1987 edition of The Log journal - its exact history is unclear but I
think you might find it amusing.
Reproduced with permission.
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that
they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having
difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how.
Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go," the lad although willing is
not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.
At this more...