Proportional Jokes / Recent Jokes

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

The book you spent $20. 95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uhh...

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The chaos in the universe always increases.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The workbench is always untidier than last time. The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back. There are no rules around here. We`re trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory There are no winners in life... only survivors. There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest... Napoleon There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it. There are two kinds of people who don`t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don`t tell people everything you know. There is nothing so small that it can`t be blown out of proportion.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try more...

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about more...

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to more...

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.* He who hesitates is probably right.* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.* No one is listening until you make a mistake.* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.* Two wrongs are only the beginning.* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.* Monday is an awful more...

* If the enemy is in range, so are you
Incoming fire has the right of way
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire
There is always a way
That way is always mined
Try to look uminportant; they might be low on ammo
What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank
Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at
If orders can be misunderstood they will be
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud
Mine fields are not neutral
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict
The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
If your attack is going well, it's an ambush
Never draw fire, it irritates those around more...