Proud Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready,' Father of Four'!"
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestorshad come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senatorsand Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for theirchildren and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only oneproblem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who wasexecuted in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair ofapplied electronics at an important government institution, wasattached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his deathcame as a great shock."
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup. .. just had him circumcised!"
College Seniors vs. Freshman Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Know a book--full of useless trivia--about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of more...
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest
she has a huge red "H". The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your
chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of
his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her
shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get
that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale
and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even
when we're making love."
The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt
and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a
boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, more...
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
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Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As more...