Pukes Jokes

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The more...

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn, ” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me. ”
“Not to worry, ” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill. ”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties? ” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too. ”